Haddock the Captain
by Jadespade
Summary: Parody of the famous Youtube video "Charlie the Unicorn". Join Captain Haddock as he goes (unwillingly) on random adventures with his two friends, Tintin and Professor Calculus.
1. Chapter 1

Captain Haddock was in a deep sleep when Tintin's really annoying falsetto voice woke him up. "Heeeeeey Captain, hey Captain, wake up!"

"Yeah Captain, you silly sleepy head, wake uuuup." Professor Calculus said with a high-pitched voice.

Captain Haddock groaned and opened his eyes groggily. "Ugh, blistering barnacles, you guys... this had better be pretty friggin important, is the basement on fire?"

Tintin replied, "Noooo Captain, we're gonna fly to the moon, Captain!"

Professor Calculus, who was wearing his hearing aid that day, said, "Yeah Captain, we're going to the moooooooooon, come with us Captain!"

"Yeah Captain, it will be an adventure, we're going on an adventure Captain!" Tintin's blue eyes sparkled at the prospect.

Captain Haddock was really annoyed at this point. His sleep had been disturbed, and now those two bashi-bazouks wanted him to go to the _moon_. "Yeah, the moon, right, I'm just gonna, you know, go back to drinking now."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Tintin yelled in horror. He proceeded to leap in the air, do some somersaults, and jump on the Captain repeatedly. "Captain, you have to come with us to the moon!"

"Yeah Captain, the moon! I built a rocket..."

Captain Haddock, eyes still closed, said to Tintin, "Please stop bouncing on me."

Tintin ignored him and said, "THE MOON, Captain!"

"Yeah, the moon!"

Captain Haddock had had enough. "ALL RIGHT FINE, I'll go with you to the moon, thundering typhoons."

"YAY!" Tintin and Professor Calculus said excitedly. They proceeded to shove Captain Haddock, who was already regretting his decision, out the door. The trio walked through the woods. All of a sudden, Tintin and the Professor began singing, "La la la la, lala lala-"

"ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING ALREADY!"

Tintin pointed at something in front of them. "Our first stop is over there, Captain!"

Captain Haddock stopped walking and stared at the two identical looking men with black bowler hats, suits, and canes. The only difference between them was their mustaches; one was wider than the other. "Blistering barnacles, what are those?"

Tintin replied, "It's the Thompsons, Captain!"

"Two MAGICAL Thompsons!"

"They're gonna guide our way to the rocket!"

"All right guys, you do know there's no actual way to get to the moon, right?"

Tintin's eyes opened wide. "SHUN THE NONBELIEVER!"

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!"

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN!"

Captain Haddock sighed and said, "Yeah."

Suddenly, the Thompsons opened their mouths and let out two loud screeches. Their hair grew longer and longer and started changing color. The Thompsons started burping.

"THEY HAVE SPOKEN!" Tintin said excitedly.

"They have told us the waaaaaaay!" Professor Calculus said.

By now the Captain was sure that his two friends were insane. "They didn't say anything!" he argued.

"It's just over this bridge, Captain!"

"This magical bridge of hope and wonder..."

**A FEW MINUTES LATER**

The trio were standing on a wooden bridge that swayed dangerously. Some of the panels were missing. Captain Haddock wondered why he had followed them in the first place. "Is no one else getting, like, covered in splinters, seriously guys, we shouldn't be on this thing..."

Tintin suddenly said creepily, "Captain... Caaptaaiinn... Caaaptaaaiiinnn... Ca-"

"I'M RIGHT HERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT!" Captain Haddock yelled angrily.

"We're on a bridge Captain... we're on a bridge." Tintin replied. Captain Haddock groaned. After they got off the bridge, Tintin announced, "We're heeere!"

"Well what do you know, you guys actually did make a rocket." Captain Haddock said in surprise as he stared at the red-and-white checkered rocket.

Tintin said happily, "The moon, the moon, so many adventures!"

Professor Calculus said, "Go inside the rocket, Captain!"

"Yeah Captain, go inside the rocket, it'll take us to the moon!"

Captain Haddock had serious doubts about the rocket. "Yeah, thanks, but no thanks, I'm gonna stay out here..."

Professor Calculus said, "But you have to enter the rocket to get to the moon, Captain!"

Suddenly, the door to the rocket opened and a bald man wearing a green suit and pants walked out and started singing.

_Oh when you're down and looking for some cheering up,_

_Then just head right up to the red and white rocket,_ (Tintin and the Professor suddenly had on orange space suits and floated around the rocket.)

_When you get inside,_

_You'll find yourself an empty land, _

_Such a crater-covered and dust-filled and rocky rocky__ land, _

_It's got asteroids and meteorites and crevices, _

_Oh so_ _many things that will brighten up your day, _

_It's impossible to feel so blue when you're__ on the moon, _

_It's the mecca of love if you come this way, _

_It's got_ _volcanoes __and caves covered with thick ice, _

_You can see comets fly, __its a wonderland of sights, _

_Ride the rocket to the moon and see the stars so bright__, _

_Huge planets, it's a treat as they orbit round the sun,_

_You can dance across the sky and on the ground, turn around,_

_It astounds, it's the footprints on the ground, _

_And the low gravity lets you__ run so free, _

_So, Captain, please will you enter the rocket?_

The dancing man blew up and Tintin and Professor Calculus landed back on the ground. Captain Haddock sighed and walked toward the rocket. "All right, fine, I'll go into the freaking rocket, this had better be good."

Tintin and the Professor said, "Yeah..." Captain Haddock walked into the rocket and realized that it was dark. Too dark.

Tintin said ominously, "Goodbye Captain."

"Yeah, goodbye Captain."

Captain Haddock's face paled. "Goodbye? What?" The door slammed shut. "Hey! What's going on here?" Captain Haddock heard footsteps. "Hello? Who is that?" Captain Haddock blacked out as something hit his head.

**HOURS LATER...**

Captain Haddock groaned as he woke up. "Oh God, what happened?" He looked at his cabinet and gasped when he saw that it was empty. "Ahh they took my friggin whiskey!"


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Haddock lay in his stomach in front of his television, a scowl knitted on his face. He didn't question why his two friends, Tintin and Professor Calculus, were floating above him with scuba goggles, flippers, and air tanks with snorkels, pretending to swim. They kept saying, "Glub...Glub glub...glub glub...glub glub...glub glub..."

Tintin said in his girly voice, "Look over there! It's a ship wreck."

Captain Haddock sighed. "Oh look, it's you guys...and you're floating."

Tintin replied, "Captain! We're scuba diving, Captain."

Professor Calculus said, "We're exploring the depths of the ocean blue."

Tintin suddenly screamed, "Oh no! Here comes a school of sharks!"

"Nooo! Sharks!"

Captain Haddock said, "Ah, you gotta watch out for those. So, uh... go away. I'm watching TV."

Suddenly, a blue, shimmering circle appeared on Captain Haddock's back, spouting out bolts of lightning. Tintin yelled, "The vortex is open!"

Captain Haddock screamed in surprise. "Oh god. Okay, what is this?!"

His two friends suddenly started floating towards the vortex. Professor Calculus yelled, "Captain! We're being pulled into the vortex! Swim away, sharks, swim away!

"Come on now. You guys are freaking me out! Turn this thing off!" Captain Haddock demanded.

Tintin replied, "There's no stopping the vortex, Captain!"

Professor Calculus cried out, "Shaaaaaaaaaaarks!" and their screams echoed as the two of them disappeared along with the vortex.

Captain Haddock said nervously, "Guys? Guuuys? Or girls... with, with your voices I'm really not sure what you two are anymore."

The vortex appeared again and Tintin stuck his head out. He was holding a brown idol with a broken ear in his hands. His voice echoed as he said excitedly, "Captain! Captain, I have the idol!"

Captain Haddock asked hysterically, "Blistering barnacles, what idol?! What's going on?!"

"The idol, Captain! The magical idol! Sparkles sparkles!" Tintin said anxiously.

Professor Calculus's head appeared too. "Sp- Sparkle!" His head went back through the vortex.

"I, I don't understand what you're talking about!"

Tintin said ominously, "The idol..." The vortex started pulling him back in as he struggled. "Nyeh! Nyeh!" Tintin disappeared. Suddenly, Tintin and the Professor popped out of the vortex, which promptly disappeared in a brilliant flash of light. "We did it!" Tintin said excitedly.

Professor Calculus said, "We got the idol!"

"Great. Now go away! I'm tired of the horrible things that happen when you're around!"

Tintin said, "No, Captain!"

"No!" Professor Calculus said.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" they both said as they suddenly started puffing up, then they went back to normal.

Tintin said, "We have to take the idol to the Whiskey King."

Captain Haddock said sarcastically, "Oh, yes, the Whiskey King, of course. Absolutely not!"

Professor Calculus argued, "He, he's counting on us, Captain! Ah..." He started floating in the air again.

"If we don't give the idol to the Whiskey King, the vortex will open and let out a thousand years of darkness."

"No! Darkness!" Professor Calculus said in his high-pitched voice.

Suddenly, the vortex appeared on Captain Haddock's back again. Spider legs waved in the air as something roared. Then the vortex disappeared again.

Captain Haddock, officially creeped out, said, "Ah! All right, fine! I'll go! I'll go!"

His two friends said, "Yay!"

Professor Calculus said, "Darkness!"

* * *

The trio were walking in the woods when suddenly Tintin and Professor Calculus started saying, "Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop." with their tongues.

"What are you two doing?" Captain Haddock asked, annoyed. They continued making the sounds. "Stop that." They went silent. Then Tintin made one last sound. They stopped in front of a big, gray letter H. "Oh, look at that."

Tintin and Professor Calculus yelled out, "H!"

Tintin said, "¡El hombre con el sombrero nos envió!"

Professor Calculus said, "¡Él nos cuenta muchas historias asombrosas!"

The letter H made pinging sounds as white flashes of white streaked across it. Tintin and Professor Calculus said happily, "Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho!"

Captain Haddock asked with confusion, "What? Why are you guys speaking Spanish?"

Professor Calculus ignored him and said, "¡Cenemos en tortugas esta noche!"

Tintin said, "¡Se ven buenos, elos, H!"

Suddenly, the letter H flashed red and shot a lazer at Captain Haddock, temporarily blinding him. "Ahh! What did you two do?!"

Tintin and Professor Calculus said, "H!" happily.

Tintin said, "¡Soy félez!"

The H made pinging sounds again.

The two Spanish-speakers said, "Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho!" as they walked past the H, which turned red.

Captain Haddock mumbled to himself, "Just keep walking, Archie, keep walking..."

* * *

They stopped in front of a giant roller skate. Tintin said, "Hop on board the train, Captain!"

Professor Calculus said, "It's gonna take us to the Whiskey King!"

Captain Haddock replied, "I don't see any train. All I see is a giant roller skate."

Tintin said, "It's the Choo Choo Shoe, Captain!"

"The Choo Choo Shoe!"

"Hurry, Captain. It's about to leave."

Tintin and Professor Calculus hopped into the roller skate and started chanting, "Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga shoe shoooooe!" Captain Haddock gave them extremely odd looks. "Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga shooe shoooooe!"

"Yeah, uh, I forgot my boarding pass. I'll just walk."

* * *

Finally they arrived at a whiskey-themed temple emblazoned with the words "EX ORIENTE LUX WHISKEY". Professor Calculus said, "We're here, Captain!"

Tintin said excitedly, "The Temple of the Whiskey King!"

Captain Haddock said, "Great. Let's leave the idol and go home."

Suddenly, an Incan mummy emerged from the green grass, wearing a Santa hat. Captain Haddock stared at it. "Who is that?" No one responded. "No, no really. You guys see it, right?" There was still silence. "I gotta be honest. I'm getting creeped out here. Somebody say something!"

The mummy started to sing. "Captain, you look quite down with your big fat eyes and your big fat frown. The world doesn't have to be so gray." At this point the sky started to darken. Suddenly, all of them were transported to a strange place. They were standing on a disco floor and whiskey bottles surrounded them. Captain Haddock looked around, feeling disturbed. The mummy continued to sing as it floated towards him. "Captain, when your life's a mess, when you're feeling blue, always in distress, I know what can wash that sad away." The mummy floated away and sang, "All you have to do is... Put a bottle in your ear!" A smiling whiskey bottle popped out from the mummy's ear.

"A bottle in my ear?" Captain Haddock echoed as two more smiling bottles popped out of his back.

"Put a whiskey bottle right into your favorite ear! It's true, (Says who?) so true. Once it's in your gloom will disappear. The bad in the world is hard to hear, when in your ear a bottle cheers. So go and put a bottle in your ear!"

The whiskey bottles started to sing along as a lightning ball whizzed around Tintin and Professor Calculus, making them float in the air. "Put a bottle in your ear!"

Captain Haddock scowled. "I'd rather keep my ear clear."

"You'll never be happy if you live your life in fear. It's true, (Says you.) so true. When it's in the skies are bright and clear. Oh every day of every year. The sun shines bright on this big blue sphere. So go and put a bottle-"

They were back in front of the temple as the mummy sang, "-in your earrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" The lightning ball hit the mummy, making him explode.

Captain Haddock said, "Oh, of course, he burst into flames."

Tintin said, "Go forth, magical idol! Return to the Whiskey King!" The idol vibrated and went forth from Tintin's hands. It floated into the air and shined a beam of bright light at Captain Haddock. "Captain! YOU'RE the Whiskey King!"

Captain Haddock started floating towards the idol as he said, "What? Hey, hey, hold on a minute!"

A smiling whiskey bottle appeared on Captain Haddock's back. "You're the Whiskey King, Captain!"

Captain Haddock tried to argue. "No! I'm not! That doesn't even make sense!"

Tintin cried out, "All hail the Whiskey King!"

"I'm not the Whiskey King!"

Tintin replied, "You ARE the Whiskey King!"

"No, NO! I...I..."

Suddenly, more grinning whiskey bottles appeared on the Captain's back and chanted, "Whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey!" as a jeweled crown was planted on Captain Haddock's head.

For once in his life, Captain Haddock actually smiled. "I...I AM the Whiskey King!" he said incredulously, staring at the idol in shock.

Tintin and Professor Calculus cheered, "Yay!"

A whiskey bottle said, "You ARE the Whiskey King!"

"I'm the Whiskey King! Yeah!" His smile disappeared when he noticed that he was all alone. "Heh, hey... Where'd you go? Guys? Hello? Get me down from here!" The beam of light flickered and disappeared, causing Captain Haddock and the idol to fall to the ground. The crown fell off of his head. "Augh! Okay, that's a sprain."

* * *

Captain Haddock walked through the woods alone. "Hello? Hellooo?! Guys, where are you?" He finally arrived at Marlinspike Hall and entered it. He saw that his television and the rest of his stuff was gone. "Blistering barnacles! You've gotta be...Great! They robbed me!" Suddenly, the vortex appeared again with Tintin's head sticking out. "Thundering typhoons!"

"Captain!" Tintin said urgently.

"What?! What do you want?!"

There was only silence. "Bloop."


End file.
